From caterpillar to butterfly
A speech I shared in 2016, and an old favourite poem.
Things are brewing under the surface; this year, I’ve been taking a deep dive, shedding old patterns and beliefs like never before. It’s set to be another renaissance within me. This isn’t the first time; I’ve been here before.
While scrolling through my Dropbox to create space, delete, and reorganize my digital closet, I stumbled upon a talk I was invited to give in front of over 200+ women for The holistic Project event “Pursue your passion fro moms” in June 2016.
Growth and transformation are a never-ending spiral staircase we all climb. As my beloved teacher and mentor Dena Kingsberg used to say, “The work is never done.”
It’s been 8 years since I wrote that speech, and it feels relevant again as I step into another cycle of change. I’ve shared it below as I found it in my notes—without edits—to stay true to the truth I held at that moment in time.
Thank you for being here with me,
Tahl
Hi I’m Tahl, I’d like to shre some words from NY DJ, Tasha Blank:
Do you know what a caterpillar has in common with a butterfly?
Nothing.
Structurally, genetically - they are completely different animals.
The caterpillar basically eats as many leaves as it possibly can and then wraps itself up in a chrysalis.
Then, tiny things called "imaginal disks" (seriously, that's what biologists call them) begin to form. These disks contain butterfly DNA.
Once the caterpillar's immune system detects what it perceives to be foreign, it tries to destroy the disks. But they keep coming stronger and faster, and eventually the caterpillar's immune system fails from stress.
The caterpillar's body breaks down into a mushy mess, and the imaginal disks use it to build a butterfly.
Humans go through the same thing but not just once. The person you are becoming is too awesome, too gorgeous, brilliant and courageous for your current self to even recognize, let alone conceive.
Life demands that we trust there is something begging to be born through us. That we let go of useless beliefs and ways of being we used to consider our identity, and burn up in the fire of our own creation.
And that we allow it to happen, even when we can't see around the next corner.
You’re probably wondering why I’m reading you biological information about caterpillars, butterflies and mush messes. Actually it’s a perfect parallel to my journey.
This story begins with an indecisive teenager. When I left Israel at 18, I was searching. Searching for a door to open, a clear direction, maybe even career opportunities.
I had studied photography when I was in high school and my love affair with the still image was evident, but my lack of faith in myself and my capabilities left me paralysed, unable to step toward a career.
My years in NYC were wild – I partied, fell from one random job to another, and felt completely lost and lonely. I was still searching.
I longed for a handsome prince to sweep me off my feet, for that big love story to help make sense of this life I didn’t understand. Like most of us, I thought that the meaning of life was love – loving another. Finding completion in a partner would surely answer this deep longing for purpose I couldn’t fill.
Before I left NY, I took a 3-week intro to Ashtanga Yoga course. Although I had watched my mom practice in the living room when I was a kid, I never really questioned beyond that. Suddenly I felt a deep connection to this thing called yoga. I would religiously wake up before the sunrise so I could roll out my mat.
I arrived in Melbourne in November 2002, and I went searching for an Ashtanga studio. My Yoga Practice became the center of my life; I practiced for 2-3 hours every morning 6 days a week. I read, and talked and researched about the practice that was all so new and exciting. I stopped going out, drinking and smoked less and ate foods to support my system, all this just to improve my practice.
3 weeks in Australia and my life changed forever. There at a nude hippie festival I met my soul mate, father of my children and the biggest love I’d known. I thought I had the answer – It was him, the prince on the white horse who will love me till death do us part, who will save me from that deep longing for purpose for passion and for an understanding of this life.
We fell into each other like Romeo and Juliet. I stayed for love. We travelled, I waitressed and practiced, practiced, practiced yoga. A year later that question started to fester in my belly, this uncomfortable feeling kept me awake at night. Restless flighty energy was all around. But how could there still be darkness even with all this love?
Once again I was forced to look deeper, to dive under the layers of comfort and face the question I could never answer; “What is my passion?“
If someone asked me “What do you do?” I would quiver, change the subject, sometimes cry and leave the room. So, when my yoga teachers approached me to start an apprenticeship with them I heard myself say yes for the first time, despite a flood of uncertainty and fear to making the commitment. I was to start in June.
In April I discovered I was pregnant at23 years old and Mikey was 19, we lived in a share house. He didn’t really have a job besides playing gigs in pubs on the weekends. For most of you the idea of having a baby with no income at such a young age may be unthinkable. For me, it was almost relief that I didn’t have to solve the unsolvable puzzle of my career – I had no question about having the baby. Mikey was my man and I his women and this baby was meant to be. I felt a sense of purpose suddenly and everything else could be put on the back burner.
Ashtanga Yoga Center of Melbourne 2004 ( 39 weeks pregnant with Ayla)
I continued to practice but I decided not go ahead with the training. My parents were realists “but he doesn’t even have a job?!” These things didn’t worry us, we were young, innocent and madly in love.
When Ayla was born, everything changed. I discovered my purpose, I was a Mother! How wonderful and glorious it is to be a mother, to care for another in ways that you would never even care for yourself. To wake up every morning knowing that you are needed?
For the next 5 years I was a stay home mum. I got into wholefoods, jams, mothers groups and lamb roasts. The only thing I always made sure to take time for was yoga. I nurtured my practice without any intention at that point to really do anything with it.
When Ayla was 2, restlessness reared its ugly head again “What do I do?“. In answer to this I fell pregnant with my second daughter River Lee. At this stage we made a massive life change and moved to the hills of Byron Bay. Although I didn’t voice it at the time I knew deep down that I was getting closer to yoga teacher Dena Kingsberg hoping one day I would do train with her. Yes, I was still kindling my fire, quietly with no real expectation and a whole lot of fear.
Upgrading to 2 kids really didn’t leave much room for me to think beyond the moment. Once again I was a mom that did some yoga when she could, looked after the house and grew veggies.
I tried to convince myself I was fulfilled at home, but it still felt so restless. With no career, no degree and such a broad resume I didn’t really know where to start.
I decided I’ll just get a casual job, knowing that I needed to start that ball rolling. As I finally stepped out into the world I was able to lessen the fear around my heart, look deeper and question; “What is that thing that burns in my veins? How do I follow the whisper of my heart?”
The answer was so clear to me - I would do the 3-year training with Dena Kingsberg – One of the few master female Ashtanga teachers in the world. This was a huge commitment and required massive support from Mikey and my mom who came over from Israel to help. Just before I started I found out I was pregnant with my third. This time I decided to forge ahead.
I peeled many layers during those 3 years and was seeped in gratitude to my husband and kids for supporting me while I pursued my dreams. During the last year of my course Mikey’s career took off. I don’t know if it was the same old fear of following my own dreams, or just honest devotion - perhaps I confused his dreams with mine but again I put yoga aside.
Through his work, an opportunity came along for me to start a video production company – I could support Mikey, it was convenient, and I was actually pretty good at it. I told myself that my time to teach yoga will come when the kids grow up. But I knew in my heart production wasn’t right for me. The knot in my stomach was one of fear, not excitement. However, the business was a major turning point as I actually stepped out of my full time mama roll and really started to work. In that process I had to let go of some degree of attachment to my children, I had to hire sitters and feed them takeaway to make it work.
The music industry involved a lot of partying and all that comes with it. After being at home for so long I let my hair down. Everything seemed great for a while….. I mothered my third child differently. Yoga fell away and I told myself that I couldn’t succeed as a yoga teacher, that there were no opportunities.
Physically I felt like shit - this voice in my belly was telling me this isn’t right wouldn’t let me rest. I lost sight of my truth, of who I was becoming and later realized that I was looking for the person I used to be. Of course it was not possible to find that person, as she would never exist again. I should have been focused on who I was becoming, the butterfly not the caterpillar.
In fact, I was really fucking scared that I wasn’t good enough. At the deepest level, I didn’t trust or believe in myself. Coming back to biology I hadn’t surrendered yet – my immune system was fighting against the butterfly DNA. I was still trying to be a caterpillar. I wasn’t ready to burn.
The music industry is a fickle thing – when our wave came to end the money and the job did too. Mikey fell into depression but partied even harder. I felt it was my responsibility to find financial security. So I continued with the production job even though I knew it wasn’t right – I kept telling myself to ‘just stick to something’.
Mikey was in a downward spiral. For 10 years I had trusted my man blindly, devoted myself to him and worked for his dreams before mine. When he finally hit rock bottom something deep inside of me shattered. Like the caterpillar I finally surrendered, in a mushy mess. In the face of catastrophe I finally set myself on fire. Often we need to destroy everything we know in order to re-build. I used that mushy mess to build something new.
I was 34 at the time, and even though he didn’t abandon me, I felt abandoned, and no longer knew my man. Yoga teaches you that our relationships with others are a reflection of the relationship we have with ourselves. So I looked deep, for the first time I really asked; do I trust myself?
I sat with myself writing, crying, feeling, alone in my heart and asked over and over what are the things that make me happy no attachments to outcome, money, success or anything else. The answer was crystal clear; Yoga and Photography. Throughout my life I had repeatedly explored the idea of “becoming a photographer” but it all seemed too hard, there had always been such fear and resistance.
So, I did 3 things: I bought a DSLR camera with the last of our savings. I met with Michelle Merrifield (whom I knew from practicing yoga together in Byron Bay) to ask her advice about teaching yoga and making a living! Michelle offered me a job on the gold Coast at Essence of Living.
The third thing I did was a life changer. I started a new Instagram account based on Yoga and Photography. I knew a little bit about Instagram and I could see that there were some very successful yogis out there. I also felt I needed some sort of platform to showcase my photos. I really didn’t have any set goals or any idea what the purpose of the account was. I knew it was a door opener but I didn’t know to where.
Instagram became a platform for healing; I would write little messages to myself, I exposed hidden parts of myself and as I gained recognition through followers and likes I came to realize that yes, I too have a voice and that it matters and that I’m good enough even with all my shit and self doubt. Social media is not a bad thing, it’s a reflection of the intention we are putting into it. If I were to rely on my engagement rate and my following as a validation of my worth then it would already serve its purpose, but my transformation was based on not needing validation from others.
It took my husband to abandon our relationship and himself for me to realize that I had been hiding behind my identity as a mother, as a wife and as a caretaker. When those rolls we’re stripped back and I was standing naked and vulnerable in front of myself I finally, slowly began to find the courage to accept myself, the whole and follow my soul, my passion.
Instagram took its own course, my photos we’re received beautifully and I loved the process. Michelle and her sister Clare told me about a friend of who made a great living as a yoga photographer working in Bali. And so I took the plunge working in this niche field. My first client was Michelle, in exchange for another yoga teaching training. Then via word of mouth only, jobs started coming in. I truly love working with yogis - they come to me not only to create content for their social media but also as an expression for self-healing, for finding the courage to stand in front of a camera.
“Michelle in a tutu” Tahl Rinksy 2016
So there I was - suddenly I could see the possibility that was always there. I think it took me at least a year to comfortably call myself a professional photographer. I learned to reach out for help and asked an old childhood friend who was a successful professional photographer to mentor me about workflow and the industry. His belief in me and helped me see that I didn’t need to go to university because I have talent that can’t be taught.
I also had to get over my tech phobia and build a web site, and for me this was a joyful process of learning. If this is not the case for you make sure you learn how to delegate. Those 2 years in production also gave me a lot of skills I was now putting to use. It’s amazing how when you finally land in that beautiful space you call home, it becomes crystal clear that every moment has lead you perfectly to this magnificent place. You really have to trust the process.
Meanwhile, I was finally teaching yoga! After practicing consistently for a decade I felt ripe. Essence of Living was a magical place, I felt I had this whole new family and I slowly gained confidence as a teacher. Michelle offered me lots of business advice and it was clear to me from the get-go that I wanted to do my own thing rather than work for someone else. Amazingly, as the result of Instagram I also got offered to teach workshops around Australia. Suddenly I was travelling to teach AND as a yogi photographer.
I began exploring options to open my own yoga studio around Byron Bay. This felt difficult and I couldn’t find a space that was affordable, I also couldn’t really see myself doing it all on my own with 3 kids. I wasn’t ready to step out of the house completely. But something was shifting in me, I could actually see the fog lifting and I didn’t feel that same anxiety I’d always felt. I even wrote down a 5 year plan with a shaky hand but full of excitement for the first time at all the exciting things I wanted to put on my plate. Finally, so many things I wanted to do! With a new sense of confidence, I was crystal clear about what lights up my soul. I didn’t have all the answers yet but I was no longer afraid to dream.
Within a month the opportunity knocked on my door. – Farm Yoga. I heard there was a teacher from Sydney who was coming up to run it the studio. My intuition guided me to search further and the universe rewarded me when I met Bess Prescott. Bess immediately invited me to teach at Farm Yoga and I finally had somewhere local to teach. I realized that the little community I had built through Instagram was ready to turn from virtual into real.
I fell in love with Bess and what she set out to create with that little studio. There was a special connection between us and I found a home there. 3 months later Bess asked me to join her as partner in the studio. Together it seemed so much more possible and also so much more fun! The journey was so much more exciting with her, so many more laughs, lessons and places to conquer.
2 months later I was asked to be on the cover of Yoga Journal Australia, the leading yoga magazine in Australia and the world. This really was a proud moment for me when I walk through the supermarket and my children pointed to my mag. Did I write this down in my plan ? Did I see this coming my way 6 months ago. The honest truth is no, I didn’t even dream. All I did was stay open to the path unfolding and believe that I am good enough, that I have a gift to bring to the world.
And where were my children in all of this? They were right next to me. I still picked them up from school, made lunches and did homework. They were still the center of my world, but I learned to take more time for myself without the guilt trip and everything was OK. I also learned that there really is no rush and no time frame in which us mothers’ need to shine our light in the world. Maybe we can wait till they are in school, till they grow up or maybe the time is right as soon as they are born. We may not have the answers, or know the best way to raise our kids. The only thing we can do is take it day by day, work towards happiness, towards acceptance and loving ourselves before we attach ourselves to anything or anybody else.
As I was going through this incredible process of growth and self-discovery my husband was sinking down into the shadows. A series of events exploded and left us hanging onto our marriage by a thread. We commited to work together to heal, prioritizing the children’s happiness. We were forced to sit with the deepest spaces of our hearts and make peace. I desperately wanted to choose love but the shadows proved too great and eventually, trust was destroyed. I had to leave. 13 years of marriage, the love of my life, my friend, my soul mate - how did it fall apart?
I realized more than ever before how the previous years had been a preparing me for this - life has been showing me that I am OK on my own, that I can support and hold my children and myself. What mattered most disintegrated beneath me and I too burned to the ground, so that I could finally emerge, whole again. Now with the studio, photography and a blossoming career I finally realized that loving someone else could never make me whole – only fully accepting and loving myself could allow that.
Days after Mikey and I separated, I was tested once again when the council shut down our studio at The Farm. We had no solution, no-where to go and absolutely no warning, everything just came to a sudden stop. I have to say that having a business partner really helps, when shit goes down you are not alone!
Bess and I pulled together and early in the new year we managed to transform a small space into our very own studio, Creature Yoga.
We have plans to move into a bigger space by the end of the year and grow to be the leading yoga studio in the area. For now, we are enjoying our local students all of whom stayed with us, and the community feels strong.
Only one year ago I went to Wanderlust festival, the biggest yoga festival in the world, with some friends. I thought to myself I’ll be teaching here in 5 years time. Last weekend, amongst some of the most respected international teachers, I taught at Wanderlust on the top of Mt Kosciuszko, and it felt perfect considering the mountain that I’ve climbed since I left Israel as a directionless teenager.
Teaching at Wanderlust festival 2016 (Mt Kosciuszko)
There are many other opportunities that I am navigating, now with joy and certainty that my butterfly wings are firmly in place. Although the transformation is never ending I can honestly say that I am now able to accept who and where I am, willing to be in darkness and in light, to surrender to the twisting path as it unfolds. And to embrace my sweet, sweet passions with my kids by my side.
We each have a mountain to climb as we find our passion and gain the clarity and confidence to share it.
I invite you to sit comfortably and close your eyes while I share a prayer with you: ‘Honouring purpose’ by Pixie Lighthouse. This is an old favourite; I recited it at the end of my talk in 2016.
If you’ve made it this far, thank you for staying with me. I’m handing the mic over to you now with a few questions for contemplation and journaling. These prompts are designed to encourage deep reflection on various aspects of trust and how they influence your life and relationships. Feel free to share your answers or comments if you’d like.
What Does Trust Mean to Me?
Do I find it easy or hard to trust the world? How do I know that?
Reflect on your general attitude towards the world and how you interact with it. Consider:
What experiences or beliefs have shaped your view of the world as trustworthy or untrustworthy?
Are there specific events or people that have influenced your level of trust in the world?
How does your trust or lack thereof affect your daily life and interactions?
Do I find it easy or hard to trust the people close to me? How do I know that?
Explore your relationships and how trust plays a role in them. Ask yourself:
What factors contribute to your ability or difficulty in trusting those around you?
Are there patterns or past experiences that have impacted how you view trust in your relationships?
How does your level of trust in others influence your connections and communication with them?
Do I find it easy or hard to trust myself? How do I know that?
Dive into your self-trust and self-confidence. Consider:
What actions or decisions reflect your level of self-trust?
Are there moments when you feel confident and certain about your choices, and others when you doubt yourself?
How does your self-trust or lack thereof affect your overall sense of well-being and your ability to pursue goals?
I remember doing some of those very first Ashtanga classes of yours at Essence of Living! You are such an inspiration to me (now a mama as well with a yoga studio/dream). Thank you for sharing this story I hadn’t heard before!
Beautiful story, which resonated with me a lot. Two years ago I had a new year resolution - to trust in myself again. And now I have been witnessing my power and I am so amazed!
Thank you for sharing. I needed to read it.